Defend yourself or not?

Lately at work I've been finding myself in an interesting situation. I'll get a comment or a hint from someone that I made an error. Nothing overt and nothing accusatory.

Just a hint - almost like a backhanded compliment. This is more like a subtle, (very subtle), accusation. Sometimes it's my boss. Sometimes it's just some random "customer".

When this happens I have a dilemma. Should I respond to defend myself? That's my first instinct. But then I think, "That just shows I'm defensive. It's not cool." Plus I could be imagining the hint. Maybe there wasn't anything accusatory at all.

I think a much better way is to simply ignore the subtle hint. You have no obligation to respond to a hint that you made a mistake. You maybe have an obligation to respond to a direct accusation - but a hint is just a hint.

Important people don't have time to respond to hints. They'd ignore them. They'd focus their energy on continuing to do the best work they possibly can. That's what I'm going to try to do.

Two weird things I do at work.

1) I found this cup filled with pens, pencils, highlighters, a toothbrush (?), markers and a ruler. It's one of those old-fashioned, wood rulers from way back in elementary schools. I now carry this ruler around wherever I go at work.

I love holding it! It has just the right amount of weight and thickness. I often slap my palm with the ruler as I walk around. If I'm going to a meeting and I walk into the office, SLAP! If someone asks me a question and I need to think for a few moments, I use the ruler to rapidly slap my palm as I think. SLAP, SLAP, SLAP.

Occasionally I use the ruler for drawing straight lines. For example, I use a marker to scratch out entries into the computer program. I always used to free-draw the line and it looked horrible. Now, with my ruler, I draw a perfectly straight line.

2) I hike my pants up pretty high. So my waist is just under my belly button. Sometimes I tuck my shirt in as well. It looks awful, ridiculous. When I do this at home, Cindy lambastes me and rightly. The thing is, this look feels so naturally in an office. Hiking your pants up like a dweeb feels good. It feels right. The only problem is that it makes your ass look huge. Because the ass part of your pants is halfway up your back.

There's a group of people in my organization trying to overthrow my boss.

My boss was upset yesterday when she got wind of a coup d'etat. Apparently there's a group of people in our organization plotting her demise.

Ho hum. What's new? I think in any large, controversial organization there is always a group of people planning a regime change. That's just life.

This is especially true when you organization loses funding, and its viability has become shaky. Even if it's not the boss's fault (which it's not), some people will still want heads to roll.

That's what happens when you're the top staffer at an organization. The benefits are lots of money and power. The risks are fast, ignoble firings.

I'm surprised she didn't see this coming. Or maybe she did and is simply feigning outrage to the board of directors to get them more involved in our plight. (To get them to care. Those bored, stoney-faced bastards. Good luck.)

I love drama at work. Makes things so exciting!

My boss says I use email too much.

A few days ago my boss called me the "king of email". She often tells me that I use email too much, and says that I need to phone more.

About a week after I first started she came in my office and told me she doesn't like getting a lot of email. I took the hint and stopped emailing her every little thing.

A month after that she called me in my office and told me to stop using email so much. I said ok.

Then a few weeks ago I got this email from saying something like: "Please call people on the phone."

She's a Luddite but, to be fair, I do use email an awful lot. I like it because it leaves a record of all communications. In this job things sometimes come back to bite you and I want a written record of things I said and did.

I also use my email program (Outlook) as a task manager and to do list. It's the way I keep organized. So I often turn emails into tasks that I must complete by a certain date.

I deal with teachers a lot so calling them during the day doesn't work. They're teaching class. Emailing is more convenient.

Mostly I use email so I can avoid talking to people on the phone. I don't like the phone very much.

Thank you for doing your job.

The other day the mailman stopped by our office to deliver mail. He noticed a stamped envelope we had put on the chair, ready to be mailed. He picked up the envelope and said, "I'll take this!"

Apparently, this is surprising. We are supposed to walk to the corner of the street and put our mail in the mailbox.

He looked at us for a moment, expecting a huge, grateful "thank you!".

I said, "Thank you?" Like, I'm supposed to thank you for doing your job? He smiled and left, feeling good about himself.

Thank you for doing your job. Should we really be thanking people for doing their job? I say, yes, as a courtesy. To be polite. But such thank-yous are strictly not necessary. People doing their jobs are being paid to do their jobs after all or else they probably wouldn't be doing them.

Another gripe I have with the post office is insurance on lost items. You can pay more to "cover" the cost of a lost item, in case the post office screws up. Here's what the post office is essentially saying:

"Here's the cost for mailing a letter. Now, if you pay more, and we screw up, you'll get your money back." Umm, shouldn't you get your money back, regardless? They didn't do their job.

Let's apply the insurance idea to other industries:

Servers at restaurants. Here's the price of the items on the menu, but if you pay more, and our server delivers the wrong food, you can get the right food delivered to you!

Sports tickets. Here's the cost of the ticket. But if you pay more and the team decides not to show up, we'll give you your money back.

Amazon.com. Here's the cost of a book. But if you pay more and we end up not sending you your book, we'll send you the right book.

Makes no sense.

Three very satisfying things.

Here are three things that make me feel very satisfied for a brief second:

1) The smell of floor cleaner (Mr. Clean) when you mix it with hot water, and it gets all nice and soapy foamy. It smells so fresh! And clean! The actual mopping is a pain though.

2) The little beeps a cash register makes when the cashier types a number. Especially when they do it really fast. Beep, beep, beep, beep. The grocery store clerks fingers move so quickly! I admire them. I wish I could type something that gives off pleasant little beeps.

3) We have a red-ink stamp at work that says "FAXED" and "ENTERED". I love stamping piles of paperwork with these stamps. Stamp. Ahhh feels so good for a split second. One thing done. Stapling is also satisfying. The click-clack of a nice staple. Staples beat paperclips any day.

I can hear the office phone from the bathroom.

Just figured out today that I can hear our phone ring from the bathroom. Normally I wouldn't care. However, in the afternoons I'm often the only one in the office.

When I step out, I'm quite sensitive about missing phone calls. I know I shouldn't be. I mean, if someone has to call back, so what.

It's just that I can't relax while urinating or defecating when I hear the phone ringing. My first instinct is to dash back to the office - obviously impossible with my pants around my ankles.

I have dashed back. If I'm down the hall and almost at the bathroom, I'll run back if the phone rings. Once I was actually outside the building and I heard the phone. I ran back inside our office. (We're right by the front door.)

Sometimes people see me do the dash and they must think, "That guy is dedicated to taking his important phone call."

Yet almost 100% of the phone calls are unimportant and unnecessary. They ask questions which are clearly answered on our website.

A few interesting things about our phones:

• We have 4 lines and only 2 full time people. We often say, "Call on hold for you 3025" or "Call holding on 3069", which makes us feel very, busy important and big.

• I've been here 4 months and I still haven't transferred a call. I simply get up and walk to the person's office and say, "call for you on hold". I do have the one page instructions on how to transfer and I think I know how to do it, just haven't bothered yet.

• Each of our phones is a different volume. The main reception phone at the front desk is super loud. If I'm sitting there and the phone rings, I jump.

• One of the phones rings a split second before the others. So we get a mini 0.5 second warning that the phones are about to ring. This could be very handy and convenient, but is not.

• I have this huge desire to stay home one day when everyone else is gone and just forward all the office phone lines to my home phone. I'd log onto my email from home and work on my files from my home computer. Why bother going into the office in this day and age?

You should never tell a co-worker your salary.

I thought this was a no-brainer, but apparently lots of people talk to their co-workers about salary. My friend was a few weeks into a job when someone came up and asked his salary. And I was a few weeks into this job when someone I didn't know emailed to ask my salary. (That person had a reason - they were hiring for a similar position in their province.)


Talking about salary can only make things worse. Let's say you and a co-worker tell each other your salaries. You make more. Now your co-worker is angry and bitter and might go to the boss to ask for a raise. The boss gets mad at you for revealing salary.


What if your coworker makes more. Now you're jealous and angry and you say dumb things like, "I'm gonna look for a new job where they appreciate me!"


Same with bonuses. A lot of companies think they're doing their employees a favour by having bonuses. But at bonus time, people get angry. They were expecting more. The other department didn't deserve that much, etc.


This is especially true when bonuses are tacked on to your salary. Like if they hire you and your salary is $40,000 with a 3% bonus. That's bad news. Because what will invariably happen is that the company won't do well and your bonus will be cut. Or you won't do well and your bonus will be cut. And you will be livid! By then, you've thought of your bonus as a salary - because they told you right out that it was 3%.


They shouldn't tell you what your bonus is. They shouldn't even approximate. They shouldn't even say there is a bonus. They should just randomly give you a cheque and say, "Here's a one-time bonus. Good job." People would love it.


In my last job, while I was negotiating for a higher salary. They reminded me that I got a bonus. I said, "But that's not guaranteed. It's a bonus." The HR person said, "Yes, but we've never not given anyone a bonus. " Basically she implied it was guaranteed.


My first quarter at work a woman in my department didn't get her bonus.

The fine art of faking sick at work.

Came in the office yesterday morning and no one was here. A voice mail from one woman, "I have a bad migraine." A voice mail from another, "My kid is sick." And the big boss is on holidays.

That leaves just me. It was a beautiful summer day. This was the classic fake-sick-day off. Everyone does it, and at my work, everyone happened to do it at the same time.

The weird thing is I planned last weekend to take Weds off as a fake sick day. When my co-workers both did it at the same time, a day earlier than me, (they beat me by a day) that put my own fake sick day in jeopardy. How could I fake sick a day after they did? That would look bad.

Unless I claimed to "catch" something from them. But then if they were truly faking they would know that I didn't catch anything. Still, this was the excuse I used.

I phoned in today and said, "I don't feel well." Faked sick.

A few thoughts about faking sick:

• You might want to build up your sickness the day before. Put Kleenex by your desk. Blow your nose loudly. Cough a lot. Say, "I feel like crap." When a coworker suggests that you go home, say, "No I'm gonna tough it out." Makes you look like a hero. The next day is your fake sick day.

• Fake sick mid-week. It's less obvious than when you fake sick on a Friday or Monday for a long weekend. If you're sick on Friday everyone knows it's fake.

• You can tell it's a fake sick if the person is back to work the next day. If they were truly sick, they'd take more than one day off. No one recovers from sickness in just one day.

• On the other hand, if the person shows up for work then leaves early or after a couple hours, this could be a genuine illness. Unless they are super-devious and planned to do that to make their fake-sick look amazingly real.

• The worst part of fake sick is the phone-in to the boss. That's why it's preferable just to email. If you have to speak with the boss, make yourself sound miserable. I do this by frowning as I talk, and speaking in a very low, unenthusiastic mono-tone voice.

• Sometimes you have to fake healthy (meaning you have to go to work sick and pretend you're healthy or people might get angry). The perfect excuse is "allergies". "No, that's not a cold or flu. It's just allergies."

• In my last job, they made us watch a video about how to sneeze. (You shouldn't sneeze into your hands. It's unsanitary and just gross. Instead you need to sneeze into the shirt-sleeve of your arm. The germs die quickly this way.) They also put hand-sanitizer everywhere and had meetings where they told us never to come to work sick and had posters about the flu up in the lunch room. Here's an idea: if you care so much about our health why not just give us more sick days? That way we won't come to work sick.

• The best illness to fake-sick is "stomach ache". If you say "headache" a do-good coworker might offer you aspirin at their desk. But if you have a stomach ache, no coworker will offer you exlax. Plus no one wants to be around someone with a bad crampy, diarrhea-like stomach. They want you to go home.