You need to be a MAN!

Women want a real man. Not a pussified, wimpy man. A real man. They say they don't, but they do. So here's my guide on how to be a real man.

1) Don't stand outside the shower, feeling the water temperature with your hand until it's just right. Don't be a puss. Go into the shower, turn on the water and bear it until it heats up. Go hardcore and be a man.

2) Don't take a little twinkle. Wait until your bladder is bursting full and then go to the bathroom and piss like a racehorse for 3 full minutes.

3) Shirts are optional. As a guy you have a right to walk around bare-chested. And the uglier and fatter your body, the more obliged you are to go shirtless. Be proud of your beer gut.

4) Don't go to the doctor unless you're dying. "Thanks for seeing me doctor. I have this twinge of pain in my knee whenever I do this..." NO! Be a goddamn man. Unless you can't walk because you're in agony or have late stage brain cancer you shouldn't go to the doctor.

5) Don't vacuum the floor mats of your car. Oh my god are you a fricken housekeeper or are you a man!!!??? If your car mats get dirty you grab them with your hand, step out of your vehicle and you beat the dirt out of them.

6) Don't bake cookies. In fact, don't "bake" anything. You're a man. You use the barbecue or a grill or a frying pan and that's it. If you want baked cookies go to grandma's house you wuss!!!

7) Don't drink bottled water. What are you, European? You drink water from the tap. And you don't use a glass. You turn on the water and you put your mouth under it. You don't let the water run. Better yet you only drink beer.

8) Don't use an elliptical exercise machine. That is way too feminine. Just imagine how you look to all the women and all the real men out there! You're sticking your butt in the air and moving your arms like you're cross-country-wussy skiing down a catwalk. Get outside and push a car or chop firewood or sprint down the middle of a football field!

9) Hand sanitizer??? Are you nuts? What, you touched a dirty door knob and now you have to rub your hands down with anti-bacteria alcohol? God help you sir! Your only hand sanitizer should be your own piss. You urinate on your hands if you want to kill the germs. That's it.

Now be a man and watch the women come running to you!